Tuesday, November 25, 2014

The Cold Within the Sound

Carpe Diem Ghost Writer # 35 Otagaki Rengetsu


This first one I wrote twice, one with the 31 syllables and one without.  Not sure which version I like better.  

winter snow
blankets the earth
deep silence falls
long shadows reaching
as cold creeps under skin


heavy winter snow
blankets the dormant earth
deep silence engulfs
long shadows stretch across lawn
as cold creeps under my coat

~

tree branches groan
under the weight
of snow and ice
inside we huddle by candle light
and shadows feed the fire


~

frozen droplets spit
crackling on the window pane
winter sounds chilling
I snuggle against your back
my cold hands disturb your sleep




12 comments:

  1. These are just wonderful --!
    Of all of them, I like the second the best -- it really has Rengetsu's elegant, polished tone - and the scene is beautiful --- with a bit of a puzzle to chew on, too (the shadows feeding the fire). In your first poem, the simplicity of the first version gives it so much extra impact. (Though both versions are great!)
    You really ran with this -- and they're so well done! Brava ---

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    Replies
    1. That one was written during our horrible ice storm a few years ago! Thanks for the in put on the first poem. I think I like the simple on better. Thanks for your kind comments.

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  2. Wonderful - first version best, definitely, and a nice, warm series after.

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  3. Amazing how one poem can inspire another and they share elements but they also have their own "cold voice"
    Nicely done Dolores

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